Advice for the Groundhog

Groundhogs day has recently passed, and I  was thinking about what advice I would give a groundhog, and had pretty much come to the conclusion that the question is moot......what advice could a groundhog possibly need from me?  Stay out of rifle range?  But then, on a whim, I thought I would research the life of the stereotypical groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.

I was surprised to learn with a quick internet search that Ol' Phil has seen a lot of attention that has nothing to do with his so-called expertise in recent years. I expected the standard pablum we have been fed forever, that millions of people follow his winter prediction every year, desperate to know whether the end of winter is near. I even expected to see that people use him as an excuse to escape the winter doldrums and host a party of some sort. What I was amazed by was the fact that the doggone critter even has his own fan club. No accounting for taste, I guess, or what American masses will do with a little extra time. Believe it or not, Punxsutawney Phil is popular enough that folks have used him as a political pawn. Heck, back in the Iran hostage crisis of 1980-1981 they dressed him up with a yellow ribbon in support of the hostages. ( I wonder if Tony Orlando gets a small commission every time someone does that?)  I read that, during Prohibition, folks told the press that Phil would stop spring altogether unless he could get drunk. He has even met President Reagan, and has been on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Remember, what ol' Phil does for a living requires no particular expertise. No real work of any sort.  He just pops up once a year, looks around, and goes back to a warm meal and a nap.  He aint particularly pretty like our Hollywood heroes. He's no Tom Selleck (OK, he is prettier, and less furry, than Rosie O'Donell). I have no idea why anyone cares what his political views are (or what Hollywood stars think for that matter). Clearly, any "opinion" he is supposed to have is fabricated by a handler , since he is just a groundhog.  So,the best advice I can give him, or his handlers,  is to stay out of rifle range, don't take a political stand that will jeopardize his cushy job, and enjoy.  That oughtta do.